I’m dreaming of a politically correct Christmas

I’m Dreaming of a Politically Correct Christmas

Just like the green one I never knew
With birds chirping with no carbon foot prints lurking
And air pollution not making pathways to the Sky

I’m dreaming of a P.C. Holiday Season
Just like the one I never knew
Where diversity is reining, no need for explaining
Why racial quotas can be found everywhere.

I’m dreaming of a Progressive, spare the air P.C. December 25th
Just like the one I never knew
Where Obama Care is cherished, even though the middle class does perish
And George Bush can be blamed for everything


Things are so politically correct these days that as 2013 comes to an end, overly-sensitive Liberals need to be careful not only about but what they do, but also how their actions are perceived by critics. Rough life.

The Politically Correct Christmas crowd dislikes this most traditional of American Holidays when families gather to celebrate a birth which took place over 2000 years ago. How can we have a politically correct Christmas, when atheists, anarchists, Marxists, the Taliban, and Muslim terrorists are being discriminated against?

In a truly perfect world how does anyone with a social conscience tolerate “chestnuts roasting on an open fire” when toxic smoke is generated that contributes to air pollution?

Along with doing away with the Washington Redskins mascot, should not also the Campfire Girls be renamed The Solar Women on the altar of political correctness and Spare the Air Days? At the same time caroling lyrics must be devised that do not mention God, Christ, The Lord, or that little town located at Latitude 31.26 N Longitude 35.7 E.

Even though praying is discouraged at any public setting, perhaps a substitute Entitlement verse can be devised which reads “Thank you, Washington D.C., for these gifts of food stamps, welfare, citizenship, and free medical care we are about to receive.

Liberals are obsessed with being free of the chains of history, but yet they rely on it, else they’d have nothing to protest. So let’s clean things up so old traditions can be safely pasteurized and homogenized for dainty palates. To this end, Rejoice: progress is just around the dialectical corner!

A Politically Correct Christmas

In government run schools, Christmas vacation has been replaced by a “Winter Recess” Christmas trees with ornaments and lights are now referred to as Holiday Exhibitions. Christmas cards have had a makeover to become Holiday Greetings. “God” is absent from most public celebrations. Even repeating the Pledge of Allegiance is now under tight scrutiny in some places.

If only we could get Families together for December 25th Dinner instead of mentioning the “C” word. This new description seems a bit awkward and out of place. Perhaps some assistance can be provided by the P.C. Police to supply a substitute phrase to better represent this event. At the same time the State might offer some reworking of beloved X-Mas stories to make them more acceptable to the Brave New World that is approaching.

Through diligent probing and use of the Freedom of Information Act, I was able to receive a preliminary draft of the  investigation of Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer from a secret government agency that is currently planning a new direction for the Christmas Season. The authorities are apparently uncomfortable with the tale of heroic deeds performed by this four-hooved creature. The report reads:

First of all, even the name Rudolph the Red Nosed reindeer is Racial Profiling because the animal’s physical description is different from his associates including Vixen, Blixen, Nixon, Dasher, and Pelosi. There is also irrefutable evidence that the other reindeer are guilty of bullying poor Rudolf who likely has a substance abuse problem, (much like others during the Holiday season) with a reddish glow to their noses.

Whether the ill treatment Rudolph received at the hands of other reactionary reindeer comprised  a “hate crime” will be determined by an Independent Special Prosecutor in January, after all presents are delivered (and some taken back).

Other avenues of possible special circumstances charges that might also be leveled against Rudolph’s antagonists include violations of the Americans with Disabilities Act.  It is well known the intellectual capacity of the “red nosed one” is a bit short of a six pack.

Meanwhile, OSHA is looking into complaints concerning homes that have been deemed unsafe for the guy in the red suit to traverse down their chimneys. In the future they want Hazmat approved inspections made by certified by government technicians prior to Santa entering residences from roof top sites.

A Blue Ribbon Jacobin Tribunal representing the Animal Control and PETA communities are actively investigating alleged cruelty and inhumane treatment of animals during the ghastly 24-hr trek from the North Pole to deliver toys around the world. Of special concern to PETA is the “perceptible limps of reindeer powering Santa’s magic sleigh.”

The Teamsters are now protesting  at the Reindeer Stables with the intent to organize them to increase their minimum wage, feeding schedule, and rest breaks on the road. NORAD and the Soviet Air Command are also planning to invoke gate fees for entering and exiting restricted air space.

There is growing concern that Santa’s helpers, have not been given sufficient work breaks as stipulated by State and Federal laws. SEIU, the AFL-CIO and other allied trade unions are now organizing elves as well as pushing for new labor regulations designed to replace Santa’s work shop in favor of a Single Gifter system that will pay “living wages to these little fellows.”

Because of all of these problems have occurred during the December period previously known as Christmas, President has asked the First Lady to determine the best course of action for pulling books from the shelves of libraries that do not  properly depict Rudolf’s plight. It is hoped when the words “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, you’ll go down in history” are spoken, at least the  rewritten P.C. version will be heard.

Government censors are also making sure no one ever again reads the Dickens’s classic A Christmas Carol  again. In the future Child Protective Services will intervene to provide special education, family counseling, and free breakfasts for Tiny Tim. No need for such nonsense as Ghosts, Christmas’s past and present, or the  redemption of that evil capitalist Scrooge fellow.

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  1. Bruce Peterson says

    Some Democrats could not figure out why I was going around Lafayette giving natural apples to rich people.. They said I should be giving presents to poor people. The only person I’ve seen in Lafayette who looked poor, was wandering around the lit up little park, talking to himself. I had to get closer, to make sure he was not on the phone, like everyone else. He had a bottle of beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other.. He kept talking, but did not say a word to me. Maybe he’s not poor at all. After all, he can afford beer & smokes. I can’t. The taxes are to high.. Did he look pitiful and carry a sign to get the money? I hear people can make $75 an hour in a good location.. But it’s hard work, just like a tollbooth worker. I better stop writing, the P.C. Nazis might arrest me.

  2. Hal Bray says

    Now if we can just find a gender neutral name for CAROLING we will have a completely meaningless winter holiday, devoid of pleasure, reflection, or caring for family and friends.

    thanks Richard, for a great piece.